


A Lack of Faith

by OnceAndFloral



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Christine is a good friend, Homophobic Language, I'll update tags as I go, Jeremy is scared, Multi, Panic Attacks, Please Be careful, Social Anxiety, Soulmate AU, hints of the momronica au that will actually become important, in chapter five, soulmate denial, the artform of cry-typing, yea that, you know that one where you write on yourself and the marks appear on your soulmate?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-10-31 17:46:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10904298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnceAndFloral/pseuds/OnceAndFloral
Summary: Jeremiah Here didn’t believe in soulmates. He hated the idea of them, for more reason than one. And he couldn’t help but list them over and over again in his head every day as everyone told him about how wonderful they were.One, his parents weren’t soulmates.Two, seeing the doodles and marks on his skin made him feelterrible.And most importantly; no one could truly love Jeremy Heere.





	1. Chapter 1

Jeremiah Here didn’t believe in soulmates. He hated the idea of them, for more reason than one. And he couldn’t help but list them over and over again in his head every day as everyone told him about how wonderful they were.

 **One, his parents weren’t soulmates.** Or, at least, they acted like they weren’t. Supposedly they were and had met some time in college. Jeremy only had two years of memories of his mother, because after she taught her son the fine art of forgery (a skill Jeremy rarely used for sake of it reminding him of her), she had fucked off to some other part of the country. Dad sometimes wrote notes to her on his arms, trying to get her back. Nothing ever appeared in return.

 **Two, seeing the doodles and marks on his skin made him feel _terrible_.** Sometimes an empty tic tac toe board would appear on his wrist or forearm, and he’d start hyperventilating, because what if he ended up like his parents? Soulmates couldn’t be real if one of them, even just in one example of a relationship, didn’t love the other. That was a complete non-starter when it came to the concept of soulmates because they _weren’t soulmates_. Jeremy felt terrible just thinking about how he could end up broken like his father.

 **And most importantly; no one could truly love Jeremy Heere.** He wasn’t the most attractive (who was he kidding, he was disgusting), but that wasn’t even the half of this reason. First off, Jeremy was twitchy enough that sometimes he’d accidentally hit people with whatever he had in his hands. He stuttered at a near constant rate, and whenever he was nervous-which was essentially all the time-his whole face would turn red, which always gave people the idea that he had a crush on them when he talked to them. Plus, his personality was a mess that made him want to stab himself in the gut just for thinking of it.

So no, Jeremy didn’t believe or like soulmates. He wore a sweater to cover up the marks that would appear on his arm. Refused to draw or write anything on it. That wasn’t too hard, if he started to write on his arm or leg he’d start to dig the point of whatever he was writing with into his skin until someone noticed he was almost bleeding and took his writing utensil or laughed at him.

Jeremy also hated people laughing at him. It kind of sucked that people did that on a daily basis.

* * *

The cafeteria was a loud place. There were kids laughing, talking, screaming, making almost every sound imaginable. Jeremy idly traced the doodle of a pot leaf on his right palm, pretending that his lunch wasn’t stolen the period before, that he wasn’t all that hungry, and that he hated the fact the drawing was there.

“Greetings and salutations!” Christine, the only person he could talk to without becoming a bumbling mess, dropped her lunch tray down on the table.

“You seem happy today.” Jeremy smiled.

“Jeremy, play rehearsals start today! You signed up too, remember?” She leaned in closer. “Are you going to go up on stage this year instead of hanging with the tech crew. I know you want to, and I promise I won’t let anyone laugh.”

“That’s sweet, but I really don’t think that’s too good of an idea…” Christine whined as Jeremy started trailing off.

“Come _on_ Jeremy! No one else even attempts to remember their lines properly! Please, please, please?”

Jeremy sighed. “If you give me your breadsticks I’ll think about it.”

Christine was handing the school lunch breadsticks over in seconds. _’Well…’_ He thought as he accepted them. _’I guess I should at least think about it…’_

A short burst of noise rang from the closest corner from the cafeteria. Rich had knocked a tray out of some kid’s hands, scattering the food on top all over the floor. A damn fucking shame, the school breadsticks are amazing.

The kid blinked slowly like he was still processing what was happening. He slowly took off his headphones, staring at Rich. “That was my lunch.”

“Yup.”

“Why’d you do that?”

Rich shrugged and shoved the kid to the ground. “Felt like it.”

Jeremy cursed under his breath. The kid was obviously new to school, judging by the way he was surprised Rich would do something like that, so he didn’t know about Jeremy’s nerd status, and Jeremy wanted to help but…

“Fuck it.” Jeremy stood up, ignoring his fidgeting fingers at his side. Christine gave him a strange look, but didn’t say anything as he stalked over to where the kid sat dazed on the floor. “Uh, hey.”

The boy frowned. “Hi. What was…”

“That was Rich. Don’t blame him too much, he’s having some rough days at home and has poor impulse control.” He shifted around on his feet. “I’m Jeremy.”

“Michael Mell.” 

Jeremy blinked down at Michael’s arms. The sleeves of his hoodie were pushed up to his elbows, showing off countless doodles and notes. He must talk a lot to his soulmate, whoever it was. He pulled himself back down to the ground, holding out his hand to help Michael up off the ground.

Michael tried to smile at him, initiate eye contact. Jeremy felt a bit of panic rise in his chest, choosing instead to look at the hand Michael was extending instead of his face. The panicky feels coalesced and seized his heart as he noticed the doodle of a pot leaf on his right palm, identical to the one on Jeremy.

The world was suddenly spinning. What was going on? There wasn’t any oxygen left in his chest, and no matter how fast he drew in breath his lungs refused to fill up with air. Jeremy grabbed his hand away. It felt like it was on fire. That didn’t make any logical sense.

He had _known_ there was someone out there that was drawing on themselves, transferring ink over to Jeremy. Why was he panicking now? Oh God, everyone was going to stare at him. He couldn’t make out any faces from how dizzyingly fast the world was turning. _Someone please help_

Jeremy felt himself tip over. Heard someone yell. Felt all his senses turn off as the world disappeared in one big bang.


	2. This is an Absolute Mess

Jeremy woke up in the nurse’s office with the kind of headache he got after panic attacks. He stared at the ceiling, waiting for feeling to return to his chest. The burning in his hands was thankfully gone, along with his sweater. Oh god, his sweater.

The doodles he now recognized as the ones on Michael’s arms were out in plain sight. He sat up and pressed his back against the wall, staring at his shaking arms. This was real. This was actually happening. Tears threatened to spill down his face as he read over the various notes. Song lyrics, reminders, little motivational pick me ups. A dry sob ripped itself from Jeremy’s throat. Why was he so _scared_?

“Jeremy?” The nurse (Mrs. Brown? Was that her name?) peeked into the room. “You doing okay?”

“Where’s my sweater?” Jeremy’s voice sounded hoarse and broken. He hated it

“You were overheating when you were brought in so I put it on the coat rack.” He scrambled out of the cot and to the coat rack next to the door. Relief washed over him as he pulled his sweater down and tugged it over his arms. It was okay now. “Uh, Jeremy sweetie?”

He stared at her. Best not to talk to adults after a panic attack. “Well, um the kid who brought you in wants to talk to you.” She turned to someone outside the door. “Michael, you can come in.”

Jeremy stiffened as the taller boy stepped in awkwardly. His sleeves were still rolled up, a terrible reminder of what had just happened. Michael smiled weakly, waving a bit. “...I’ll just leave you to it.”

She left the room, leaving the two boys standing uncomfortably together. This was a disaster.

“So, uh… what was that about?” Michael flinched. “I mean, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, it’s fine.”

“No, it’s fine.” Jeremy swallowed painfully, tugging the hem of his sleeves over his fingers. “I w-was just… It’s been a bad day.”

He studied Michael carefully. Had he seen the scribble on his hand too? By the way he was acting, he hadn’t. Jeremy had never met anyone with the same fear of soulmates as him. 

Michael broke the awkward silence. “Hey, I feel really bad about maybe, y’know, causing you to pass out in the cafeteria? I kind of feel like I should make it up to you?”

“It's fine man, it wasn't that bad.”

“No just…” Michael shifted around nervously. “I really should ask you for anything, but… I really don't want to go home alone and you're the only person that’s talked to me in a nice way.”

Jeremy felt his heart twist in an uncomfortable way. He really didn't owe Michael anything, and every moment felt like torture for fear of Michael noticing the dreaded drawing on his hand, but seeing Michael look so anxious and scared… Made him feel bad. Like he should be doing something to make him feel happy.

_Jesus_ , it had been less than an hour.

“Sure.” Jeremy blurted out. He resisted the urge to clap a hand over his mouth. Michael gave him a watery smile.

“Great! Meet you out front at the end of school?” Jeremy nodded numbly. “I can take you back to class if you want too.”

“Okay… Let me just get my stuff together.” Jeremy choked out. The other boy didn't seem to notice how forced his words were. Michael stepped out of the room, sticking his hands in his pocket.

As soon as he was out of sight, Jeremy grabbed the hand sanitizer on the nearby desk and scrubbed at his palm until the pot leaf was nothing more than a smear or two. Then, mustering up the most convincing smile he could, he stepped out into the main office with Michael. 

“What class are you in for sixth period?”

“Um. Mythology.”

“Okay, I think I know where that is? Hah, you really should be leading me, huh?” Michael started to reach for the doorknob to open the gateway to the hall. He stopped, frowning down at his palm. “That's weird. I thought I drew something on my hand this morning.”

“Yea. Weird.”

* * *

Michael was indeed waiting for him at the front doors at the end of school. Jeremy had to hold back a sob. He didn't hate Michael, this whole thing was just so _terrifying_. As Michael began leading the way to his house, Jeremy couldn't help but run hypotheticals through his head.

What if Michael saw the marks on his arm and made the connection that they were matched up? He would hate Jeremy for not telling him. Then he'd leave Jeremy behind because on top of lying to Michael he was a loser and then he'd lose his soulmate just like his dad and he'd have been right all along about how no one could ever love him.

Apparently he had begun to hyperventilate at that point because Michael stopped to put a hand on his shoulder. Jeremy forced himself to breath normally, despite how uncomfortable it felt. He really was a failure of a human being.

“Home sweet home.” Michael said in a strained voice. Were they already there? Jeremy really must have been spacing out. “I’m just going to apologize in advance. Just keep your head down and follow me, I take care of… It.”

“Okay?”

As soon as Michael opened the door he was speed walking to a door on the other side of the foyer. Jeremy stumbled to keep up with the sudden burst in speed. Clumsiness, another thing to add to the list of bad traits.

“Who the hell is that with you?” A gruff voice shouted from another room.

“He's my friend, Dad!” Michael yelled back. Jeremy felt as though he was caught in the middle of something he wasn't supposed to witness.

“He better just be your friend!”

Michael yanked open the door, ushered Jeremy down a set of stairs. “You're disgusting!” _SLAM!_ The door was harshly forced closed, the taller boy pushing up against it and letting out a rough sigh. “I'm sorry. That's kind of why I don't want to be alone.

Jeremy searched for words to say, but none of them seemed right. Unfortunately, his mouth still moved to say something, only coming up with an awkward noise. Michael was silent for a few seconds. Oh god, he fucked up, he _really_ fucked up…

Laughter filled the air. Jeremy felt his insides shrivel up. God, he hated people laughing at him. But…

Michael flashed him a grin that nearly sent him reeling. Was it supposed to feel like this? “That was _adorable_ , oh my god! Shit, I'm sorry I'm laughing but that was amazing.”

Jeremy found himself unable to look away from Michael as he giggled. Oh boy.

He was really in some deep shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit, I'm sorry this wasn't all that great. Anyways, things are heating up in Michael's basement, in which we will delve into next chapter
> 
> Kudos are always appreciated and comments essentially make my week!


	3. i ffucked up realh basd

Spending time at Michael's was… Better than Jeremy thought it would be. Which also made it worse. Michael had a bunch of retro video game consoles hooked up in his basement, and Jeremy could never say no to video games. Somehow the kid had gotten Jeremy to come out of his shell enough to make his own commentary.

Michael also told really shitty jokes and puns that rarely failed to make the scrawnier teenager laugh. Jeremy loathed his laugh. He inherited it from his mother. As it turns out, Jeremy hated a lot of things that had been coming up recently.

So fuck you, Michael.

Every spare moment reminded Jeremy of the heart trying to beat its way out of his chest. There was constant fear that his sleeve would ride up and reveal the drawings, the stupid little scrawls. And it was dumb how whenever Michael nudged him a bit to bring Jeremy out of the trances he was putting himself in he would actually calm down, just for a moment. And then when he realized what he was doing the panic returned full force in a vicious cycle.

The worst part of the night by far though was when Jeremy had to go home. Michael escorted him through the foyer and out the door quickly. His father must have been asleep as no one shouted at them. A quick glance at his cell phone told him the time was about eleven forty five. Oh well. When Jeremy said his goodbyes Michael just stepped forward and… Hugged him. Whispered “thank you”. And the most awful, heart-wrenchingly terrible thing that happened that night was Jeremy returning the embrace.

Michael stepped back to the door, smiling at Jeremy. He waved numbly in return as the taller teenager slipped back into his home. His was home was excruciating. The short period of contact had stolen his breath away. Why did Jeremy do that? What the hell was wrong with him? He had to distance himself from Michael, not return hugs or almost spend the night.

The trek home was a blur comprised of feelings swirling in his stomach and light-headedness. Jeremy was glad for his father’s habit of passing out cold at eight thirty as he closed the front door a bit harder than he should have. If it was possible, the walk to his room felt longer than the one to his house. By the time he closed his bedroom door, Jeremy was exhausted.

He changed out his jeans and into some pajama pants because like hell was he going to even catch more than a glimpse of the pen marks littering his calves and shins. He really should just stop torturing himself and go to sleep. 

Jeremy collapsed on his bed. This was hell. Actual, real, literal hell. He'd text Christine to vent if he wasn't sure that she was asleep. The internal turmoil of both wanting to push Michael as far away as he could and spent more time with him was eating away at everything.

Something glinted from the bedside table in the dark. A blue pen. He sat up, carefully picking it up as though it could burn him. Truth be told, his mental processes were reduced immensely by his exhaustion, but that didn't stop the worst plan in history from being formulated in his brain.

He was going to write to Michael. It wasn't uncommon, most pairs started off by writing conversations on their skin. He didn't know why this seemed smart, but part of his sleep deprived mind told his this was a _really good idea_. Jeremy wasn't the clearest thinker when he was tired.

The pen point froze just above a blank spot on his left wrist. He couldn't just use his own handwriting. What if someone saw Michael's arms, saw his handwriting on it and connected it to the scrawl in his notebook and the sheets of homework? He'd be outed and never live it down and any chance of friendship with Michael would be _ruined_.

Before he had much time to think about it, he was scribbling a short message in messy, scratchy cursive. His mother’s handwriting. In this moment was the time Jeremy most regretted his mother teaching him forgery.

To his great surprise, a reply came almost instantly.

 _”Oh my god, you're writing to me?”_ Jeremy felt guilt rise up in his throat. _”This is great! Why haven't you talked to me for 17 years?”_

Tell him part of the truth. _”I was scared. I thought I was going to mess it up”_

_“I guess I understand. What's your name?”_

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Jeremy felt a sharp pinprick of pain as the pen tip dug into his skin. Just _relax_ , you piece of human garbage.

Michael's handwriting wrote itself across his arm. _”Hey, it's fine if you don't want to say anything. I'll just use some shitty nicknames lol”_ Why was he so understanding? 

__”That sounds good.”_ _

A brief pause. _”Wanna play hangman?”_

If he hadn't been so tired, Jeremy would have laughed out loud. But for the moment, he just smiled and drew up a hangman board on his palm. 

Fairly soon he was covered in little dashes and half finished stick figures. At one point Jeremy rolled up his pants to continue the games on his legs. Words ranged from “zombies” to “soap”. At one point Michael pulled a dick move and used the word “jazz”. That earned him an angry face doodle on his knee cap, which was replied with a quick drawing of the shrug emoji and a heart. 

Jeremy's heart stopped in his chest. He looked at his clock. Five thirty. He had stayed up the entire night just playing hangman with the very person he was _afraid of_. He forced his hand to stay steady and he wrote out a quick “got to go” before grabbing his phone. It took him ten tries to text something even slightly legible. 

**To: christ-i-ine**

i ffucked up realh basd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's right kids, shit's getting intense. Not really. But here's this bullshit.
> 
> Fun fact, the word "jazz" has been scientifically proven to be the hardest word to guess for hangman. Or something.
> 
> Kudos are always appreciated and comments basically make my week!


	4. Things Might Not Be Okay

**From: christi-i-ine**  
Omg, what happened Jeremy?

 **To: christi-i-ne**  
i taalked to mmySoolu;;mtaE. nad , holyy. shIt chr.itSiinE iim, jussto, jjuu stt aa teerrriblee [peer so

 **From: christi-i-ine**  
Jeremy, calm down, I can barely read your typing

 **To: christi-i-ine**  
i wrtoe to myy soulmate

 **From: christi-i-ine**  
!!!! Jeremy, that’s great! I’m proud of you!

 **To: christi-i-ine**  
no tii'rs noot itts so badii'm s so bad .i''m ruuininngg iHm juS,Stw hat if he leavesm e pleasee pleasae please,; he.lpp

 **From: christi-i-ine**  
No, no, no Jeremy it’s okay just calm down  
Take deep breaths Jere. Deeeeeeep breaths  
I’ll be over in a few minutes

 

Jeremy shakingly changed his clothes as he waited for Christine. Scrubbed away the drawings on his hands and wrapped a blanket around his shoulders so he didn’t have to see the other ones. He collapsed onto the floor. What the fuck did he do?

He knew what he did. He did the one thing he promised himself to never do. Jesus, he was so dumb. Stupid, twitchy, gullible, desperate, overemotional, anxious, thoughtless, _hideous, hideous, hideous_...

In a moment of pure panic he grabbed the pen, scrawling out a quick “sorry” on the back of his hand before stabbing the pen into his forearm. Pain flared up, a short distraction from the turmoil in his head. This is what he gets for being so _dumb_ and blind.

“Jeremy!” Someone grabbed the pen out of his hand. “Don’t do that! You’re going to get your pen privileges taken away!”

Christine rubbed her thumb over the new mark on his skin. “It doesn’t look too bad. Could have done a lot worse.” She looked up to Jeremy, face falling. This was it, she realized how pathetic he was and she would leave him to rot, another person to remove themselves from his life. “Oh Jeremy… I’m sorry.”

He tried to hold back the sob that built up in his throat. It didn’t work. Tears were pouring down his face as ugly sobs tore their way through his body. Christine wrapped her arms around him, mumbling comforts and sweet lies.

“I know it hurts, just get it all out.” She hummed. 

“I r-really fucked everything up.”

“No, no! You’re doing wonderful! They’re your soulmate, Jeremy. I don’t think there’s much you can say to chase them off.”

“H-he’s going to l-leave me like m-mom left dad.” 

He felt Christine’s fingers run through his hair. “It’s not going to turn out like that. You’re a great person.”

Jeremy let go of her, backing away. His arms… his arms were shaking. Covered in black and blue marks, blurred into bruises by the tears in his eyes. “Please make them go away…”

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that. But hey, you know you’re really lucky right?” She laughed at the obvious _how?_ look he gave her. “Don’t give me that, you know it. You’re a nerd, and judging by those hangman boards on your legs, your soulmate is too.”

He had to laugh a little bit. Christine poked one of the first messages Jeremy had written on his wrist. “And that does not look like your handwriting. Did you really pull out your forgery skills for _this_?” More laughter. This shouldn’t be making him feel better, but it was working in its own weird way. They waited until Jeremy's sobs died away, replaced with shuddering breaths. “You really should turn autocorrect on.”

“No, it's annoying and changes all the words I want.”

Christine sighed. “Jeremy, I can't read your cry-typing. It'd be a lot easier to help if I could.”

“Cry-typing is an art form, Christine.”

“Oh is it now?”

“Yea, way better than that “theatre” thing you're always talking about.”

She raised her eyebrows. “Oh it is _on_ , Heere.” Christine grabbed a nearby pillow and hit it against Jeremy's face. He yelped, trying to grab a weapon of his own.

This did not work out in his favor. Jeremy ended up being pinned the the ground by Christine’s merciless strikes with a pillow as he giggled uncontrollably. “I'm sorry, you win, you win! Theatre is the superior art form!”

“Good.” Christine tossed the pillow back onto the bed. “Wanna go for some ice cream? You look like you need it.”

Jeremy considered this for a bit. He should get out more anyways, and if he got ice cream out of the deal, all the better. “Sure. I hope you know I'm milking this as much as I can.”

She smiled. “I was planning on it.”

* * *

Saturday mornings was a surprisingly lazy time for Cherry Berry, the local ice cream shop. Their busiest days were normally Sunday and Friday, and so those were the days Christine and Jeremy avoided going to the small establishment.

“What flavor do you want?” Christine asked and she gazed through the glass case housing the tubs of ice cream.

“Have I ever gotten a different flavor than cookie dough?”

She laughed. “Hey, once you got cookies and cream!”

“Yea, big difference there. The words “and cream” really gives it diversity.”

Christine smiled, ordering the ice cream at the counter while Jeremy fidgeted with his sweater, as per their usual routine. They stood at their regular spot next to the table in the front. Standing because the chairs tended to be disgusting, covered with dry splotches of ice cream and other sticky substances. They did well enough keeping the floors, tables and counters clean, but they seemed to have a bit of a problem with seating hygiene. 

“Pst, wanna play a round?”Christine nudged Jeremy with her elbow.

He looked around at the almost empty shop. “Sure.” Christine and Jeremy had devised a game for days in the ice cream shop. The goal was to make up a ridiculous backstory for the other patrons just by looking at them. Whoever came up with the most far fetched yet fitting story won. It wasn’t a very competitive game, though. Most of the time they just dissolved away into giggles.

“That woman over there.” Jeremy nodded to a lady with a dress the color of a creamsicle pop and a purse with oranges printed all over it. “Her family raised oranges, but it turns out they were practicing methods she didn’t agree with, so she’s headed out to the big city to try and make it.”

Christine snickered. “Nice, but I can do better.” She gestured vaguely at a man in a trenchcoat. “That guy is secretly the long lost brother of JD from Heathers. He's on a mission to find Veronica and apologize for all of the shit his brother pulled.”

“Nice reference, but I feel like you could be more creative.”

“Aw, shut up Jeremy.” The bell at the door rang. “Oh, someone new is coming in! Do them!”

Jeremy snorted. “Fine, let's see what-” He stopped. A wave of nausea and dizziness passed over him as a familiar red hoodie caught his eye. He managed to set down his ice cream as he stumbled back, hiding behind Christine. It wasn't working all that well, considering he was a tall beanpole and Christine was a short kid.

She gave him a confused look. “Jeremy? Are you okay?”

“He's here, he's here, he's here, he's here…” Jeremy pulled his sleeves down around his fingers, gnawing on his bottom lip.

“Who…?” Christine glanced at the kid ordering up at the counter, cheerfully chatting up the person working the till. “Oh…!” She grinned. “Jeremy! Go talk to him!”

“W-what? That's like the w-worst thing I could do right now!” 

Christine bounced up and down a bit. “Come on! It'll help you overcome your anxiety! I'll be here the whole time to help you.” 

“I don't know…”

“Too late!” She grinned, turning to Michael. “Hey! You're the new kid, right?”

He turned around slowly. Jeremy felt heat growing in his face. Fuck, this was a terrible idea. The ink on his arms seemed to be burning. 

“Yea, that's me.” Michael grinned as he caught sight of Jeremy. Shit. Why couldn't Christine be taller? “Oh hey! Jeremy!”

He winced as Christine's elbow connected to his stomach. “Ah! Hi!”

“You okay dude?” He looked so _concerned_ and he didn't even know Jeremy. 

“Y-yea I'm doing g-great!” Jeremy flinched at the cracks in his voice. Middle schoolers had deeper voices than his. Not even mentioning his stutters...

“You sure?” Michael walked over, leaving the person attempting to give him the ice cream he ordered behind. Christine stepped to the side. This was betrayal of the highest order.

Jeremy was essentially tying his sleeves into knots out of anxiety. “R-really sure! Fuck, that didn’t s-sound right.”

Butterflies fluttered around in his stomach as Michael laughed. Why did it sound so nice? There had to be a crime against this. “No, it’s fine. Talking is fucking weird man.”

“I kn-know right?” Jeremy’s laugh was a bit more genuine that he expected it to be. He tried to tug Christine back in front of him, but she wasn’t having any of that. “Th-Thanks for having me over the other night. The day was really stressful and I actually enjoyed it.” How he wished he was lying.

“Wow, really? I’m glad to hear it!”

Christine made small frantic gestures with her hands that did little more than confuse Jeremy. Was he doing something wrong? Oh shit, he totally was, and since he didn’t know what it was he couldn’t apologize or fix it. He was such a fuck up, and in front of the person who was supposed to be his _soulmate_.

“Hey, Jeremy!” Michael’s voice pulled him out of his panic enough to recognize his surroundings. One of his hands was resting on Jeremy’s shoulder. It was strangely grounding. “Don’t pass out on me again, dude. I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

Jeremy nodded. “Yea. No, I’m okay. Things are okay now.”

Michael grinned. _Fuck_ , why did it feel so good to see that? “Aw, geez, I’m glad. I love you and everything, but we don’t really have a nurse’s office we can lug you to or anything.”

“I’m going to leave you two alone, I just realized I have chores at home.” Christine chirped. Jeremy shot her a panicked look. “You guys have fun!”

She practically skipped out of the shop. Jeremy let out a strained laugh. “Hey, I need to go to the bathroom real quick.”

“Oh, sure! I should probably go get my ice cream anyways…”

He nodded and stalked over to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him as he pulled out his phone.

 **To: christi-i-ine**  
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

 **From: christi-i-ine**  
holy  
jeremy calm down

 **To: christi-i-ine**  
WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!

 **From: christi-i-ine**  
you seemed fine! you gave him this look and it’s obvious you’re absolutely smitten!  
plus you aren’t going to get better by hiding behind me!

 **To: christi-i-ine**  
i looked absolutely  
CHRSTINE THIS IS WHAT I’M ATLKING ABOUT  
WHAT IF HE SAW THAT OOK I CANT

 **From: christi-i-ine**  
jere, you’re going to do fine!  
now stop texting me and pay attention to your SOULMATE

He took a deep breath, stashing away his phone and splashing water on his face. Jeremy glanced in the mirror. Jesus, his face was so red. No, stop. It was time to do this. 

This was fucking hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this took too long to get out but here it is!! Sorry if it isn't all that good, i'm trying ;3; also thank you to someone in the bmc discord for giving me the name Cherry Berry for the ice cream shop.
> 
> Kudos are always appreciated and comments essentially make my week!


	5. spicy mango

Jeremy eased into the seat across from Michael, trying to ignore the sticky patch next to his left hand. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was going to go wrong. Michael, however, seemed as cheerful as always.

“You got any ice cream dude?” Michael asked through a mouthful of yellowish orange ice cream.

“I-I did b-but it’s…” Jeremy looked down into the liquid that now filled the paper bowl his ice cream had been in. “...not edible…”

Michael looked across the table at Jeremy’s melted ice cream. “Aw, shit man. Here, lemme get you some more.”

He jolted in his seat. “N-no, wait! You don’t have to do that!”

“Hell yea I do man. I can’t just let you go without something as amazing as ice cream while I fucking stuff my face in front of you.” He got up and walked to the counter, tugging Jeremy after him with the hand that wasn’t holding his ice cream. “What kind do you want?”

“U-Uh, cookie dough…?”

Michael nodded, calling the attention of the worker behind the case of ice cream. “Can I get a scoop of cookie dough for this lovely boy with me?”

Jeremy felt his face flush and he started sputtering for some semblance of communication. Wow, compliments really got to him. He should probably work on that a little bit more.

Something nudged his arm. Michael was pressing one of the paper bowls into Jeremy’s hands, eyebrows raised playfully. Jeremy accepted it with shaking fingers, giving Michael his best attempt at a smile as they went back to their seats. 

“Wh-what flavor of ice cream even is that?” Jeremy asked, eyeing the oddly colored treat Michael was digging into.

“Spicy mango.”

“I’m… sorry?”

Michael gasped, a hand on his chest in mock offense. “You’ve never tried spicy mango? This is like, the best flavor _ever_ dude.”

“It sounds weird.” Jeremy mumbled.

“I’m sorry, we can no longer be friends.”

Jeremy felt his spine stiffen and turn to ice. Any movement could shatter it, sending him onto the floor in a shivering, paralyzed mess. He messed up, he really messed up and- 

“ _Jeremy_.” A warm hand on his melted away the ice coating his spine. Jeremy blinked, coming to his senses. Michael was staring into his eyes with that dumb, beautiful concerned look on his face. He also looked a little… frantic. “I’m kidding, I love hanging out with you. We’re still friends… right?”

“Y-yea.” Jeremy’s voice refused to rise above a whisper. He cleared his throat and spoke up. “Of course! I c-couldn’t do anything like that.”

Michael visibly relaxed. Jeremy hadn’t even realized he was tensed up. “Okay. Okay, yea.” He let go of Jeremy’s hand. The scrawny teenager felt the urge to reach for the source of warmth again, but managed to fight it back. 

Michael started rambling on about one thing or another. He was pretty sure it had something to do with a nature documentary he had been watching the other night, but Jeremy found himself enraptured by the inflections Michael used or the way his lips moved. Wow, that was pretty fucking gay there, Jeremy. Would you like to kiss him while you’re at it?

...Okay, if the very thought of that didn’t send Jeremy into a panic that actually sounded really good.

“Hey.” Michael’s slight increase in volume drew Jeremy out of his head. “You’ve been really quiet. Am I steamrolling the conversation?”

“N-No I’m just not very-not very good at conversation.” Jeremy started wringing his hands and anxiously tugging his sleeves down. It was a tic he had developed to hide all the drawings covering his arms. “I-I really like listening to-to you. Fuck, that sounds real-really gay, I’m sorry.”

Michael grinned. “Fine by me dude. I’m really gay myself.” He started leaning in close to Jeremy. “Now that we’re on the subject… Where are you on the rainbow? If you’re comfortable that it. I’m not trying to make this weird. Which is probably what I’m doing, now that I think about it.”

“It’s fine.” Jeremy idly mixed around his ice cream, deep in thought. “I think I might be bi? Or maybe pan. I don’t know, it’s really confusing. I’m just sure I’m not straight.”

“Hey, that’s fine. Life isn’t set in stone or anything.” Michael leaned back in his seat, taking another bite out of his ice cream.

“Did you really think-think you’d be discussing sexuality over ice cream today?”

“No. I’m pretty cool with it though. Always up for flaunting my gayness.” He winked at Jeremy, causing him to make a snicker that probably sounded more like a strangled animal. “On a similar topic, is Christine your soulmate?”

Jeremy gagged on the ice cream in his mouth. “No, no, no, no, no! She doesn’t have a soulmate, she’s aro! We’re just friends.” This conversation was going down a very, very bad path.

“Then who _is_ your soulmate?” Michael looked so relaxed, how could he be this relaxed? Jeremy fought to keep his breathing even. This was bad.

“I don’t-don’t know them, they n-never write.” Was it just him or was the air genuinely burning his lungs?

“Do you write to them?”

_He knew_. Michael knew how Jeremy hadn’t written to him in fourteen years. He knew Jeremy was just a broken mess that had basically left him for dead. Jeremy didn’t mean to, he was just _so_ scared and he hadn’t known Michael was so nice, but that didn’t mean Michael wouldn’t leave once he knew but he _already knew._

“Jeremy?” Michael said slowly. “Are you feeling okay?”

“I-I…” The room was spinning in a similar way to the day Jeremy had met Michael. His seat suddenly felt unsteady. Fuck, this wasn’t supposed to be happening. He felt himself tipping over, the air being sucked out of his chest and his body hitting…

Something that wasn’t the floor. Jeremy groaned, blinking away the dizziness just under his temples. What happened? Something blurry and dark was blocking out the light above him.

The more he blinked, the clearer everything became. Jeremy realized Michael had one arm wrapped around his shoulders. He had caught Jeremy before he hit the floor. Michael gently brushed away the curls that had fallen in Jeremy’s face during his fall. “You know, you’ve got to stop doing this whenever we meet.”

Jeremy opened his mouth to say something but no words came out. The lights glowing behind Michael cast a mesmerizing halo effect. Did they always do that? Michael’s smirk shifted to a more worried expression. “Hey, it’s pretty stuffy in here, you want to go to the park or something? It looks like you need it.”

He nodded wordlessly, letting Michael help him to his feet. Holy shit.

Jeremy was really fucking screwed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so that was fluffy and the next chapter is hopefully gonna be even fluffier. I love my ice cream boyfs.
> 
> Kudos are always appreciated and comments essentially make my week!


	6. Twenty Feet Tall

Sometimes Jeremy honestly hated his life. He hated how his mom had left, how he was terrified to try new things for fear of screwing up, how he was basically a doormat given human form, the idea of meeting his soulmate in general. This particular event managed to combine all of these quite effortlessly.

The drive had mostly been a blur, thanks to the residual panic from the ice cream shop. But as Jeremy stepped out of Michael's car and closed the door behind him, the situation kind of hit him.

He hadn't been to this part since he was a little kid. His mom had been the one to take him, since his dad was a bit more of an indoors person because of allergies. The place hadn't changed too much. There was still a small wooded area next to a bunch of play equipment, such as a swing set and a castle structure. Michael gasped as he came to stand next to Jeremy.

“Holy fuck, that slide is _huge_.”

“Really? I-It's only twenty feet.”

The taller boy waved his arms around wildly. “Only twenty feet?! Are you hearing yourself? In my old town the slide at the park was like six feet tops.”

“Oh. I've never-I've never been outside of this town.”

“So, to you, this slide is of average height?”

“Mhm.”

“I hate this country.” 

Jeremy snickered, picking at his sleeve. “Sorry dude.” He shifted around on the balls of his feet. “I’ve never actually been down that slide because I’ve always been afraid I was gonna slip and fall when I was climbing up.”

Michael grabbed his hand. The touch sent shockwaves rippling up Jeremy’s arms and into his heart. That couldn’t be healthy. “Well then I’ll help you!”

“You’ll… what?” 

“You've never been down the slide, I've never been down a slide that tall… Win win situation.” Michael started dragging Jeremy after him. His legs were too weak to do any kind of resistance.

“You-you really don't have to do that!” Jeremy yelped.

“Nah, but that's what makes me so cool.” They stopped in front of the ladder. “You go up first. I’ll be behind you to catch you if you slip.”

“I don’t really think that would work.” Jeremy laughed nervously. Despite this, he started climbing the ladder.

The first ten feet were totally fine, but once he got past the halfway point things started to get bad. Oh fuck, if he fell from this height and landed the right way he could break his wrist or his spine and if his bad luck was really out to get him he could break his neck and fucking _die_ . The soles of his converse were suddenly a lot more slippery. Jesus Christ, who made the bars round? Why couldn’t they be flat, that would be a lot easier.

“Jeremy, you doing okay?” Fingers brushed his ankles, feather light touches to remind him that Michael was just beneath him. 

“Hah! Yea! Totally fine!” Jeremy’s voice seemed to crack every other syllable. 

“Hey, you’re doing great. Just keep moving.” 

“This-This is dumb. I shouldn’t be… be getting so worked up about this.” Jeremy tightened his grip on the rungs until his knuckles turned white.

“It’s fine! You’re almost there, bud.”

Jeremy took a deep breath, forcing one foot after the other. It was fine, it was fine, it was fine… His foot slipped on the rung. _It was not fine_.

He shrieked, fingers almost sliding off the bar until something caught his foot. “I got you!” Michael’s voice called up. The ink hidden under his cardigan was burning again. Jeez, he hoped this wasn’t going to be a reoccurring event.

Jeremy slowly started climbing again. It didn’t take too long to get to the top as long as he focused on something else. Unfortunately that something else was giving him severe anxiety problems and was right beneath him.

“Holy shit, I thought I was going to die.” Jeremy groaned as he sat down on the slide.

“I thought you were going to die of a heart attack to be honest, dude.” Michael hummed. Jeremy tensed up as something warm and sturdy pressed against his back. It took him a little bit to process that Michael was sitting behind him and had the shorter boy situated between his legs.

“Uh… Michael?”

“Yea?”

Jeremy waited a couple moments for his heart to start trying to pound out of his chest. It never happened. Some weird form of liquid calm was seeping through his skin and through his bloodstream. Was this a soulmate thing? What was going on?

“Hey, uh, Jeremy? Do you…” Michael trailed off.

“What?”

“Nevermind.” He took a deep breath, grabbing the sides of the slide on either side of Jeremy’s legs. “You ready?”

“Ready for what?”

His response was being pushed down the slide with Michael still pressed against his back. Jeremy yelped in surprise, feet scrabbling for purchase on the metal. Wind rushed through his ears, blowing back his hair. 

And just like that it was over. They were at the bottom of the slide and Jeremy was on the ground with Michael on top of him. He didn’t know why it was so funny, but Jeremy couldn’t stop laughing.

“Get off of me!” Jeremy giggled, shoving Michael’s side.

“See? That was fun, wasn’t it!?” Michael didn’t budge. “It wasn’t too bad once you got up there.”

“You’re crushing me.” He wheezed. 

Michael finally rolled off of Jeremy, letting out a huff of breath. “Phew, lugging you up that ladder was more exhausting than I thought it would be.”

“Excuse me, but _I_ was a big kid and climbed up by myself.” There was a snort of disbelief. “I guess you were kind of helpful though.” Jeremy realized Michael was staring at hime strangely. “What?”

“You’re not stuttering.”

“O-Oh.” Whatever spell had been cast on Jeremy broke. “I g-guess it was be-because I just didn’t think about i-it.”

Michael continued to stare at him. “A-are you okay?”

“Yea. I’m just… thinking about some things.” Michael shifted up to his feet. “Do you want to hang out tomorrow? I have a couple movies I’ve been meaning to watch, and I’d love to spend more time with you today, but my dad’ll be pissed if I’m not home soon.”

Jeremy blinked. Did he really want to deal with another day of anxiety and constant fear of fucking something up? He looked Michael up and down, heart skipping a beat when he caught sight of the markings on his arms. 

“Sure. That sounds nice.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay that took w a y too long to get out, but better late than never. I hope you guys are enjoying this fluff, because it's about to go down hill r eally fast
> 
> Catch me on tumblr as latenightbutterfiies !
> 
> Kudos are appreciated and comments essentially make my week!


	7. All Good Things Must Come To An End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW: There are some pretty hardcore slurs in this chapter. Please be careful when reading it. It doesn't last for too long but still, I don't want you guys to get upset**

The week was pretty good, in all honesty.

Michael became attached at Jeremy’s hip, and slowly, Jeremy became less anxious around him. It was easier to tell jokes, laugh at the ones Michael told, say _anything_ in general. But as he became less anxious, Jeremy started to hate himself more.

Michael was _amazing_ in every way. He was funny, considerate, always seemed to know what to say. And that was putting aside the fact that every time Jeremy looked at him the feeling of “Well, fuck, I’m gay” just seemed to wash over him. Michael was… breathtaking, and Jeremy had taken away his soulmate because he couldn’t deal with his own emotions. He hadn’t written to him in _fourteen years_. Michael would hate him if he found out Jeremy did that to him.

The conversations at night via scribbling on their arms didn’t really help. It only furthered his thoughts of Michael realizing the truth and then leaving Jeremy behind like he deserved. One night Jeremy suddenly realized that to Michael, Jeremy and this person writing on his skin were two different people.

Jeremy had broken down in his room and had laid shivering in bed for a good four hours.

So the fluttery feeling in his stomach that appeared when Michael smiled at him or laughed at one of his jokes was often weighed down by strange weights. And yet Jeremy didn’t cut ties. He hung out with Michael, even if every time they so much as brushed up against each other his arms burned, even if Jeremy slowly lost himself in self loathing. Somehow, his brain though Michael seemed to be worth it. 

So yes, his week had been pretty good. Someone besides Christine wanted to spend time with him. He was happy. Currently mulling over all of his past decisions in the middle of math class, but it was fine.

Jeremy really wished his week had _stayed_ good. He should have known something was up when he heard the snickers. Should have moved to the corner of the room when the teacher had to step out of the room. But he didn’t.

Within seconds of someone coming up to stand behind him, his cardigan was suddenly ripped away and he _panicked_. Everyone could see the markings on his arms. Jeremy had originally hidden them so that his soulmate wouldn’t see them, but after years of covering them up the cardigan had become a safety blanket and he felt exposed.

“Give-give it back.” Jeremy gasped. He hugged his arms around his stomach to try and hide the markings he was still oh so self conscious of.

“Holy shit, I’ve never seen you without this. I was beginning to think you were hiding that you didn’t have a soulmate.” That was a girl’s voice. Jeremy didn’t know her name, only that she was one of the more popular kids in school.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. “Please.”

His eyes followed the girl as she walked over to the window and opened it with the hand not holding Jeremy’s cardigan. “What would you do if I did this?”

Jeremy made a guttural sound in the back of his throat as she held clothing article out of the window. People around the classroom were beginning to chatter, some noises of concern but most were just subdued giggling. He _needed_ that. He couldn’t explain why anymore, he just did.

“Oops.” She let go. No, they were on the second floor, he couldn’t let it just fall! Jeremy lunged forward. One kid caught him, preventing him from pitching head first out the window. He heard a stream of incoherent noises escape his throat as he tried to find some way, any way to get his feelings across and _fix this._

“What is going on?” The teacher’s voice rang out through the classroom. Jeremy’s muddled mind scrambled to remember her name. Ms. Jones? That was it.

“Courtney dropped Jeremy’s jacket thing out of the window.” One guy piped up. The girl, Courtney, punched his arm and glared.

Ms. Jones sighed. “Jeremy, go to the bathroom and splash some water on your face. Spend as long as you need but check in with me before you go to the next class.”

He nodded silently, relaxing enough that the kid who had caught him earlier let go. Jeremy stalked out of the room, keeping his head down so he didn’t have to see everyone staring at him. Couldn’t he have one good week?

Jeremy ducked into the nearest bathroom, gripping the edges of one of the sinks until he could feel his fingers cramping. He almost wished he could keep clutching at the porcelain harder and harder until his bones fucking snapped. But Jeremy was too afraid of pain to do something like that.

Okay. This was fine. This wasn’t the first time he had a panic attack in school. Of course it was the first time where he could see the markings on his arms but that was besides the point. He could just ride this out. School was almost over anyways. 

Jeremy felt his shoulders tense up as the bathroom door opened and closed. He didn’t want anyone to see him like this. He turned around to slip into one of the stalls, only to bump into someone’s chest.

“Aw, look, the queer’s crying!” Some overly tall kid laughed. They were almost as tall as that one kid. Jake? That was it. “Those marks on your arms are the same as the ones on that Mell kid, right?” Jeremy wrapped his arms around himself to try and hide away the drawings and messages. How many times was he going to have to do that today?

“They totally are.” Another teenager chipped in. “Look, there’s that lame Pac-Man doodle the stoner was drawing earlier.”

Jeremy flinched as someone pinched his forearm. They were just being childish, it was fine. “What do you think we should do man?”

“Oh I’ve got a couple ideas.”

Faster than he could really comprehend, Jeremy was pinned to the wall. _This was not fine_. He writhed around, trying desperately to slip out of the crushing grip on his wrists. 

“Wow, the freak’s freaking out!” The taller kid laughed. The other one pulled out a thick permanent marker, popping off the cap and leaning closer to Jeremy. No, no, no…

“G-Get away!” Jeremy’s breath hitched in his throat.

Their laughter stabbed into his head like pins. Fingers tangled themselves in his hair and yanked back sharply, preventing him from moving his head. Icy cold ink burned his skin as the marker tip dragged slowly across his forehead. He couldn’t move or breathe. His mind was void of anything except panic, panic, panic.

It seemed like an eternity of just being pinned to the wall with them just _laughing_ at him, drawing who knows what on his forehead. Eventually they dropped Jeremy, letting him collapse like a rag doll to the floor.

“Hope you like your soulmate!”

Jeremy hated the pathetic sniffles he made as they walked out, letting the bathroom door slam behind them. He hauled himself up, using the sink as a support. There was still a dull ache in the back of his head from that one kid pulling his hair. This day really couldn’t get any worse. He looked in the mirror and felt his heart drop.

In large, thick letters on his forehead was the word _”QUEER.”_ His breath caught uncomfortably in his chest. _Oh God_. Michael was going to hate him. More than he already would have. And that was ignoring Jeremy's own feelings about this. Jeremy dragged his feet across the floor. He had a spare jacket in his locker, he could at least cover up his arms. But it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough to fill this hollowness inside his chest.

The walk to his locker was a blur. It took him five tries to enter his combination with how badly he was shaking. Jeremy tugged on the jacket, pulling out his phone. He could text Christine. She could fix this. She always did.

“Jeremy…?” He froze, tears welling up in his eyes as Michael’s voice rang through the hallway.

“O-Oh, h-hi Mich-Michael.” Jeremy couldn’t even speak at his _normal_ level of stuttering. He rested his forehead against the cold metal. He couldn’t let Michael see. “Wh-What’re you do-doing out of c-class?”

“The teacher excused me to go wash some stuff off from my soulmate. I mean, I don’t think it was from him, but…” God, it sounded like Michael had been crying. This was all Jeremy’s fault. “What’re you doing out here?”

Shit. “I-I’m… I’m j-just…” Jeremy dissolved into sobs.

“Fuck, are you okay?” A warm hand rested on his shoulder, gently turning him around…

“ _No!_ ” Jeremy shrieked. But it was too late. He stumbled back, crashing into the lockers and sliding down to the floor. Michael stared down at him, expression unreadable. Jeremy curled in on himself.

Michael’s forehead bore the same slur as the one scrawled on Jeremy. He blinked slowly. “You…”

“I’m s-sorry!” Jeremy wailed. “I’m s-so sorry that-that I c-couldn’t t-tell you, and I’m such a f-fucking _coward_.”

“There’s no way you didn’t know, I keep my sleeves rolled up in case...” God, he looked so hurt. “In case my soulmate saw it.”

“I kn-know! I’m the wor-worst person, and you d-don’t deserve me!”

People had begun to peek out of classrooms. Come to look at the freak crying his eyes out. Michael was silent. Jeremy’s instincts to fill the silence took over as he started babbling.

“I-I just h-hated the idea of soulmates for so-so long because wha-what if I ended up l-like my parents? They-they were supposed to be soulmates and _look where that got them_. And-and-and then I met you and you were so p-perfect and beautiful and you could nev- _never_ ,” He broke off for a moment to release a few more gut-wrenching sobs. “Never love someone as g-gross and awful as me. S-So I’m s-sorry you got hitched with a l-loser like me who-who can’t even come ou-out to his soulmate and-!”

Something warm wrapped around him. Jeremy felt his entire body tense. Was… was Michael hugging him? For a few moments a calm similar to that time in the park washed over him. Then new tears welled up in his eyes and he wrapped his arms around Michael’s chest, sobbing grossly into his shoulder. “I’m sorry, I’m so, so, sorry.”

“Shh, it’s okay…” Michael mumbled into his ear. 

“It’s not, it’s really bad, I don’t des-deserve any of this.”

“We’re gonna make it okay, got that? We’ll talk it out and everything is going to be fine.”

Jeremy whimpered, gathering fistfuls of Michael’s hoodie in his hands. There was too much swirling around his head, the words from the bullies, his own doubts and fears, the scent of Michael’s clothes. All of it was just too much.

Michael continued whispering sweet nothings in his ear until the shuddering in his limbs faded away, replaced by that still calm again. He took a deep, shaky breath. Things really weren’t okay right now. But maybe they could be in the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you it was going downhill fast. Like, on an out of control bus. But hey! Bittersweet ending here! We're gonna get a long talk about this soon, so I hope you guys are ready for character development.
> 
> Catch me on tumblr as latenightbutterfiies
> 
> Kudos are always appreciated and comments essentially make my week.


	8. A Little Bit Better

Michael insisted on scrubbing the harsh word off of Jeremy's forehead. Jeremy had tried to say he could do it himself, that it was his fault they were both forced to wear this, but Michael wasn't having any of it. So there they were in the bathroom, Jeremy sitting on the floor while Michael tried to keep the soapy water dripping from the paper towel from getting into his eyes.

“So, uh…” Jeremy tensed up as he prepared for Michael to start chewing him out. “You didn't write this, did you?”

“Oh.”

“What is it?”

“N-Nothing. No, I did-didn't. There was this whole-whole thing with Courtney dropping my card-cardigan out of the window and these guys cornering-cornering me in the bathroom.”

“Oh shit, maybe we shouldn't be in-”

“It's fine.” Jeremy whispered. “Why do you…” he couldn't seemed to speak properly.

“You're gonna have to finish that, Jeremy.” Michael hummed.

“Why are you being so-so nice.”

Michael didn't say anything for a long time. “You're my friend, aren't you?”

“Y-Yea but I didn't write to you for four-fourteen years. You probably didn't think you even-even had a soulmate. That must-that must have been torture.”

“I mean, I guess so. But once I started covering my arms with drawings people stopped bothering me about it.”

A knife twisted in Jeremy’s gut. “B-but that’s not-not what I’m talking about. This is… this is about me _abandoning_ you, not how people treat-treated you, even if it was really-really shitty.”

Michael went silent again. Jeremy wanted to give him his time to answer, but all this tension was killing him and making his heart race faster in his chest. Well, he was going to fucking die.

“I’m not sure how I feel. I’m wondering if maybe I’m only not mad or whatever because I’m just… desperate for the love everyone is supposed to have. I waited so long and I just. Don’t want to give that up.” Michael’s voice cracked. “Maybe I shouldn’t forgive you…” Fresh tears started to prick at Jeremy’s eyes. He deserved that, he deserved all of this…

“But I guess I’m still going to.” Michael stopped speaking for a while as Jeremy choked back sobs. “Why didn’t you write?”

Years of fear and anxiety came rushing at Jeremy all at once. “I was… I was…” He choked. He couldn’t do this, the world was spinning and his tongue was a heavy weight in his mouth. 

Michael took one of Jeremy’s hands, twining their fingers together. It was warm, a tether to reality. Jeremy took a deep breath. “I was scared.”

“Of what?” Michael’s voice was soft, quiet. It was a fucking godsend.

“My-my parents were supposed-were supposed to be soulmates but, uh… Mom ran off. So it was-so it was a little hard to take faith in the con-concept.” He chewed on his lip. “Every time I saw the drawings you-you made I started panicking that I might end up like them, so it made it really hard to-really hard to write back.”

“But you’ve been writing to me for a few weeks now.” Michael said. He didn’t sound angry, he just sounded… confused.

Now the hard part. “I, uh, I thought if my-if my soulmate ever met me they’d-they’d decide I w-wasn’t good enough. _I_ don’t think I’m good-good enough so why would anyone else? And you were-and you were amazing and sweet and perfect and I didn’t want you to leave but-but…. I didn’t….” He broke down, squeezing Michael’s hand as he sobbed.

“Oh, Jeremy…” 

“I’m sorry.”

“No, no, that sounds… that sounds absolutely terrible. Geez, I’d say I wish you told be but then you’d have to write and that wouldn’t help with the…. Holy shit, you don’t deserve any of that.”

“I do.”

“You don’t.”

“I-”

“Jeremy, _no one_ deserves any of that. You're not… You're great, okay? I mean sure you're a little fidgety, and sometimes it takes you a while to stay things, but you're not terrible. Maybe not everything about you is wonderful, but you deserve the world, dude.”

A beat of silence. Any skills of small talk the two had gained over their time together had slipped away. Jeremy swallowed thickly and laughed. “I'm not. I'm not well versed on this whole soulmate etiquette thing.”

“Me neither. Are we supposed to kiss or something? Is there a secret club we now get to know about?”

“ Maybe it's like in that Recess movie and there's a secret clubhouse under the slide and they'll teach us the code now.”

“Fuck, dude, I _loved_ Recess!”

The two broke smiled. Jeremy fiddled with the cuffs of his jacket. It wasn't his cardigan, but it would definitely do as a safety blanket.

Michael leaned back, examining Jeremy's forehead. “You can kind of still make it out but it's mostly a blurry mess.”

“Sorry.”

“It's not your fault.” Michael said gently. He looked down at his hands. “Look, about that soulmate etiquette thing… Now that we’re both here and like… we’ve acknowledged this shit now… I honestly don’t know what to do.”

“Yea, I get it.” Jeremy hummed. “I feel like everyone just immediately jumps into dating once they meet their soulmate but-”

“That doesn’t seem right?” Michael smiled weakly. Jeremy nodded, hugging his knees to his chest. Michael sat against the wall next to him. “Like we should wait it out a little more or something?” He sighed. “I don’t know what to do.”

Jeremy bit down on his lip. “How about lunch? Just the two of us? It doesn’t have to be a date, but. It’s a start?”

Michael stared at him, blinking slowly. A wide smile grew on his face, dazzling and genuine. “That sounds great.”

* * *

Christine shrieked, grabbing Jeremy’s hands and jumping up and down. “You did it, you did it, you did it, you did it!”

“Uh, yea, I did.”

“Oh my god, I’m so proud of you!” Christine spun him around. “Seventeen years Jeremy!”

“I mean, I’ve only actually _known_ him for a couple weeks but…”

“When did you get things sorted out?!”

“A couple days ago."

“ _And you didn’t tell me_?! I thought you were my friend, Jeremy!”

“I’m sorry! It just kind of slipped my mind until now because we’re supposed to be getting lunch in a couple minutes and-” Jeremy was interrupted by an incredibly exaggerated gasp from Christine. 

“Jeremy! You have to go!” She started shoving him to the door. “It’s not classy to be late!”

“Whoa, it’s just down the street, Chris!” 

“You said a couple minutes! This is your _soulmate_ , Jeremy!”

“Okay, okay I’m going!” He grabbed his bag, waving to Christine as he walked out the door.

“I want every single detail!” She called.

“Only if you get me ice cream!”

A couple minutes later, Jeremy was standing in front of the local coffee shop, one hand clutching the strap of his bag like a lifeline. This was it. Stepping through this door was going to be the beginning of an experiment, and if that didn’t work he’d be left without the person who was supposed to be the love of his life, something destined by the goddamn universe, and what was he supposed to do if-

He took a deep breath. Okay. Jeremy was always going to be anxious. There were going to be time when he fucked up, but that was okay. If this didn’t go well, he would recover from it. But he was going to try. He was going to try and make this work. Jeremy closed his eyes, taking one more deep breath. He opened the door, stepping into the shop.

Michael waved from a table across the room. “Hey bro! Glad you could make it!”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world, dude.” Jeremy sat down in the other seat. “Did you already order, or…?”

“Nah, I was waiting for you.” Michael grinned. “Wanna bet I can eat all of the cakepops in stock?”

“Oh my god.” Jeremy laughed. “You’re a fucking dork.”

Michael shot fingerguns at him. “I take that as a compliment.”

“By the way, did you have to draw an artist’s rendition of the ‘guess I’ll die’ meme on our arms?” 

“Of course!” Michael gasped. “How could you even ask me such a question? I thought we were soulmates.”

“Speaking of, how the actual _fuck_ did you draw on both of your arms?”

“I’m ambidextrous, Jeremy.”

“I…”

“Oh my god, it means I can use both of my hands with equal dexterity.”

Jeremy blinked. “Michael, I’m really fucking dumb.”

“I can draw and write with both my hands and it won’t look like shit.”

“Ohh!” 

Michael laughed. “I’m going to go order, what do you want?”

“Milk with vanilla.”

“We’re in a coffee shop and you don’t get coffee?” Michael asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Well maybe I wanted to go to a generic dating location!” Jeremy huffed. 

“Fine, you can be boring. I’m also ordering those cakepops.”

Jeremy held back laughter as Michael stood up and made his way to the counter. So maybe things weren’t magically okay because he met his soulmate. He knew they weren’t going to be. 

But they might be a little bit better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is technically the end of the fic! I'm planning on doing an epilogue though, so don't worry too much. I hope you guys liked this chapter!
> 
> Catch me on tumblr as latenightbutterfiies


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